...an impulsive adjustment of plans. Obviously, by this point in the race, I have adopted the cliché "world race-y" phrases like "be here now" and "have no expectations" so it is slightly easy to live life second by second. This month was a perfect illustration of just that.

As our team, along with another team was scheduled to stay in Kuala Lumpur, the capital of Malaysia, for the month. But as we were racing, after who we THOUGHT was our contact, down the bustling city streets with our 40-pound packs on our backs, we abruptly came to a halt. Our "contact" disappeared (I'm assuming to find the rest of the girls who were left behind) and so, there we were, Unchained Rhythm sitting on the sidewalk.

Seeing that our team was alone, our team leader, Kaitlyn decided to inform us that we were actually NOT staying in Kuala Lumpur because there was not enough room for two teams. We WERE in fact, headed toward a hostel where we would ask them to wait there (free of charge) for a couple hours until our bus came to pick us up and drive us 8 hours away (overnight) to our new destination. Welcome to month 11 and no expectations.

Another fun tidbit...

Our contact cannot drive for long periods of time because of his bad leg (story to come) so he had asked if anyone on our team could drive stick. Kaitlyn and I were the only ones that could. So, for the first time on the race, and in my entire life actually I drove a 12-passenger van (on the opposite side of the road) for an hour down a highway somewhere in Malaysia. Good times!

Stay tuned for more month 11 quirks and surprises...  

I guess you could say I began writing this blog on a Thailand hangover. My mind was still drunk off the thoughts of spending long nights talking to girls in the bars, forming relationships with people at SHE and with Thai people in general. I compared anything and everything about Cambodia to Thailand.  So, after the first week of being in Cambodia, my "recap" blog seemed more like a negative, condescending, disgraceful rant. But I don't want to completely erase it and act like I've always enjoyed living in Kampong Speu (a small village two hours outside of Phnom Penh, the capital of Cambodia. I want people to see the transition my mind has made coming off the "Thailand high,"

Only in Kampong Speu, Cambodia

• You wake up to cows coming up to your tent
• Rats and geckoes lull you to sleep at night
• Cobras swim out of puddles
• The chicken running across the street is literally your dinner for the next night
• You will have some kind of mysterious meat at almost every meal (I just say it is chicken or pork for my own sanity)
• The rice on the ground is gathered up to make your breakfast, lunch and dinner
• Ice comes in large blocks that are wrapped up in dirty towels and smashed against the ground where chickens, dogs and possibly children clean themselves off and poop there, then served to you in your glass that smells like raw meat
• You WILL find ants in EVERY part of your body and in EVERY nook and cranny of your stuff (as I'm writing this, ants are crawling in and out of my laptop, which will probably end up killing my laptop and there's nothing I can do about it...)
• Your bathroom consists of a squatty potty (a glorified hole in the ground) a bucket where you throw away all your used toilet paper, a large stone square that holds all your water for the day and a pitcher to scoop the water out onto your body (swamp showers are preferred)
• You find larvae swimming through your drinking water and pray at least two times every meal that the food and drinks will not make you sick.
• You are ALWAYS sweaty because it is inappropriate to show your shoulders so you have to walk around in the heat with sleeves on.
• You travel 2 hours away on your off day JUST to sit in the air conditioning.

And that is only the first week...

Only in Kampong Speu (week two)

• There is an oasis only 20 minutes (walking distance) away from your house where you can swim in a secluded lake surrounded by palm trees.
• The children in English class adore your presence and adore your teaching even more.
• I saw the most beautiful sunset I have seen since being on the race in my backyard.
• Everyday, there is a new letter, card or present for me from one of the children, telling me how much they love me and will miss me.
• I've learned to appreciate the little breezes that come through our empty house at night.
• Gathering around the laptop at night to watch an episode of "Lost" becomes a bonding experience.
• I have a newly found love for hamburgers and french fries.
•  Long bike rides, with the students, through dirt roads that lead to nowhere are the best times to soak in the beautiful scenery and become the BEST part of your day.

Friday night was the first night I've had my heart broken.

The funny thing is, I've been "in love" before. I've felt heartbreak before. I've broken hearts and felt pain from torn relationships. I've also fallen out of this infatuation I used to call love. I can't say for sure if I've ever been in real love before because what I felt Friday night, was the most love and heartbreak I have ever felt before. This kind of heartbreak is something I pray my heart will recover from but understand, it is here to stay...at least until something changes. I know I can't possibly ever forget or ever fall out of love with the girls on Bangla road after Friday night. Never.

Laughter and I at the bar

So I spent at least two hours of my Friday night on my knees, bawling my eyes out on one of our balconies for Joy and Laughter, the two girls that worked on Soi Easy. I was devastated because I KNEW that I needed more than two and a half weeks to get them out of that bar and all I had was two and a half weeks. I pleaded with God to give me more time. I was actually angry because He had promised me a girl and I thought they had to be it!

I cried because I loved them too much to just let them go. I loved them too much to walk away and never come back. I loved them too much to allow them to be used over and over again every night. I loved them too much to let them be bought. But, sadly, none of this was going to change in two weeks. And THAT breaks my heart more than anything ever has before.

    

Thursday night was the first night I stepped on Soi Easy.

I had several emotions running through my spirit, but the most prominent ones were excitement and anticipation. I knew I could walk half way down Soi Easy that night and I was going to make it count. I was determined to not let what had happened over the previous couple days to be in vain. I was determined to find my girl.

As my team, still composed of Lindsey, Melissa and myself, began to walk down Soi Easy, my excitement and anticipation quickly morphed into frustration and defeat. There were no girls...all men. My stomach was in knots. I felt sick. I knew I was sent to love the men on these streets too but that was NOT what my plan was for this night. This night was for a girl...any girl at this point.

As we started to reach the halfway mark, we saw a bar filled with girls on the other side of the street. So, we walked over. In the matter of a few seconds, swarms of girls flocked to us trying to get us to sit down and have a drink. I felt happy...for a few seconds. Once I realized what was really going on (they were merely drawing us in and had NO interest in us whatsoever) my happiness faded. I tried not to doubt everything that had happened so far in the week but it was beginning to look a little dim. I had my doubts. I began to feel like a complete failure. I had built up this street, this street that we weren't even supposed to walk the entire length of; I lead the team into failure.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't sulking at this point.

So, we all decided to leave Soi Easy. Maybe I missed the mark. Maybe everything I thought I heard was off. Maybe I let my own desires and wishes take control instead of waiting for God's plan. Maybe there would be no more Soi Easy for me.

We walked back down the other side of the street silent. We had almost walked off the street when I saw them...two of the sweetest girls on Bangla Road....dancing on the aisle of the street. I noticed they were laughing at something and I noticed the bar had games to play. This was it! This had to be it. It was this or nothing. We had to sit down and talk to them or walk away, defeated. I asked Lindsey and Melissa if they wanted to stop and they both had smiles on their faces, a relief for me. So, collectively, we decided to sit.

That was the best decision we could have made all month!

Before I fully could understand what was going on, once again, girls surrounded us. I instantly felt anxious. What if they all left again? What if they don't care about us being there too? But, they didn't leave.

I am going to call the two girls, Laughter and Joy since that was my first impression of them. Laughter and Joy did not leave my side the entire time I sat at their bar. We broke the ice by comparing tattoos (don't worry...a blog is coming for this story alone) and playing Jenga. Joy talked about how she had a son who was 7 (which completely surprised me that she was 28 because she did not look any older than myself) She talked about where she lived, what she liked to do for fun, why she worked on Soi Easy and how much she loved her son. Laughter did just that all night. She would stroke my hair and then giggle when I would tell her I loved her hair (which was bleach blonde) She would hold my hand and giggled when I showed her I had another tattoo on my wrist. We played Jenga for at least 20 minutes and would laugh every time I would try to pull a piece out without knocking the whole thing over. She was full of life. I knew these two girls lit up Soi Easy street every night. I knew THESE TWO girls were the ones I had been waiting all week for...they were it! They were my girls.

Lindsey ended up talking to another girl too and Melissa helped me hold Laughter and Joy's attention. We also got the bar tender involved in our game.

By the end of the night, we had all their numbers, set up dates with them and gained their trust and friendship. I knew they were different from the other girls. I knew they were special. I knew they had so much joy and love in them that they could give me. I knew I was meant to meet them that night on Soi Easy. I KNEW they were the two girls God promised me. I knew, I would try to NEVER feel defeated again as long as I could walk up and down Bangla Road.

Wednesday night was the first night on the entire race (going into month 9 now for those of you who don't know that) that I spent bawling my eyes out and didn't even realize I was crying until one of my squad mates, Kayla said my name and brought me back to reality.

S.H.E (Self-Help and Empowerment) has this practice of prayer and intercession for those of us who stay home while the others are out at the bars. So, while one group is out, the other group prays over them for the entire time they are gone and then vise versa the next night. This way, everyone is constantly covered in prayer and we don't have to be out until past midnight every single night...just every other night.

Anyway, I had a new revelation on Wednesday night...my first night of prayer and intercession.

It all started at the foot of The Prayer Wall. At S.H.E, we have this room that is completely empty except its walls. The walls are covered from top to bottom with maps outlining Bangla Road. 

The outline is so intricate that each and every street, even the offshoots that spread out of Bangla Road are listed. Not only are they just listed, each bar on each street is listed too. The best part...every girl who has at least gone on a date with someone from S.H.E is also listed at the bar where she works. 

My favorite thing about the S.H.E house is definitely the Prayer Wall. And here's why.

Singing and praying are two wonderful things, especially when they coincide. But physically being able to place your hand on a specific street or a specific girl and pray over them is by far the best. Obviously, my first street of choice was Soi Easy. I walked over to the wall and placed one of my hands on the side of the street that we would be allowed to walk down and placed my other hand on the side that we would not be able to walk down. I began to just pray for the impossible. I prayed over and over that I would be able to walk the entire length of that street and have it be safe. I prayed for the girl (who I still did not meet yet) who needed to hear my words. I prayed that God would make her known to me as soon as I could set foot on that street.

This is when I kind of blacked out.

All I can remember was seeing an image of a lion in my mind. Then, I heard Kayla's voice in the background talking about how God holds our prayers in a golden bowl because they are that important to him. (I think she was reading something out of Revelations) I turned around when I heard her say my name and immediately realized I had been crying because my cheeks and eyes were swollen and soaked from all the tears. Even my hair was wet. Apparently, I had been bawling my eyes out for a little while before I came back to the present.

My blackout moment

When I regained "consciousness" I shared with the girls what had just happened. After processing my "vision" out loud, I began to think that God was trying to show me something through the lion. What I got out of it (after two more hours of prayer) was that either He was going to tear up Soi Easy and race down the street like a roaring lion, devouring all the bars in His path (but hopefully saving the girls) OR that God was showing me an image of how evil the street really was. The spiritual darkness of the street was captured in the image of a lion to portray how the bar owners and pimps prey on the young girls and they pounce and attack anyone who is in their way.

Either way, I walked away with a new revelation that night...my hope and desperation for a "better" Soi Easy street was not going to be a simple thing. It was not something that would happen overnight. It was going to take a long time. It was going to take time, thought, energy and prayer. It was going to take considering the idea that I may find myself back in Thailand, back in Putong again. It may mean living here until I see girls off that street, until I see Soi Easy being shut down. One thing I do know is that it WILL take my heart.

The girl who I have never met on a street I have never walked down already has my heart.

Tuesday was the first night that I got to experience Bangla road at night. The funny thing about being there in the daytime is that you still get the same feelings you get at night, but it has a more eerie feel during the day because no one is there. It's like the emptiness reflects the feelings that are in the men and women's hearts at night. It's also like the girls bring life to the street because of the odd sense of joy they have within them despite their situation.

As I was walking down Soi Sea Dragon around 10pm, with my team for the night (Lindsey and Melissa) I felt a little discouraged from the start, knowing that I could not walk down Soi Easy. We were only allowed to walk down Soi Sea Dragon and Soi Tiger the first night. But, thanks to my friends, my spirit was lifted as they encouraged me and uplifted me and confirmed in my spirit that I had a calling and an anointing to be on these two streets that very night and that very time. (P.S Lindsey and Melissa are the BEST wing girls everrrr)

That's when I met (I'm going to call him C. for "legal" reasons) C. is what Thai people call a "Lady Boy." (what you may know to be a Trans-gendered person) I will never forget the very first thing C. told me when I asked him to sit down with me and play connect four (yes they have the BEST bar games ever!)

C. looked at me through his caked on makeup and said, "You are so beautiful." I stared right into his eyes and said back, "I have never seen so much love in someone's eyes before."

It was an instant connection that reaffirmed all my doubts about not being allowed on Soi Easy that night. I needed to meet C. if for any reason at all, to let him know that he was beautiful and capable of real love. C. knew I wasn't there for his body (which may I add looked WAY more in shape and beautiful than mine) But, I was there for a conversation. I was there to just be there and let him be there. No strings attached.  

Since C. did not know that much English, he quickly called over his friend, P. This was more than I could have asked for. Not only had I began to form a relationship with C within a matter of seconds, the door was now open for an opportunity to gain someone else's trust. The problem was, P's role at the bar was to draw people in, not to talk. She was a little smaller and shorter than me. Her body looked so frail but the smile in her eyes could catch anyone's attention. Even though I noticed her eyes first, I'm sure it was her tiny body that was used to draw people in, not the smile in her eyes.

So, she pulled me off my stool and took me over to play this game where you try to hammer a nail into a large piece of tree trunk...not the best game to play considering how most of the people who play it are drunken old men. But there I was, standing in between P and C hitting (or should I say failing miserably at trying to hit) nails into this wood contemplating my next sentence.

After a few minutes of asking P and C about their families, where they lived, how they liked or disliked their job, I realized I was actually drawing more people over to P and C than away. So, I asked them both to come back over to the stool and sit back down with Lindsey and Melissa. We continued our conversation, I got their numbers and we left. That was it. I guessed my job was done for the night.

The funny thing is, you can leave Bangla Road but the faces of those girls never leave you. Even if you never seen them again (which has been the case of C.) they will always be ingrained in your mind. It is something that you can't just see happening and let it happen. It's something you just have to do something about. At least that's how I feel.

A Week on Bangla Road...Day 1

I began writing this blog and quickly realized that I had too much to say to condense my thoughts about my first week in Phuket into one blog. So, I came to the conclusion that I could write a blog about every single day I have spent in Phuket...well actually Putong. Trust me, it won't be boring and it won't be redundant...just read it...

MONDAY afternoon was the first time I had ever walked down Bangla Road. I only knew four things about this road. 1.There are over 200 bars and 1,500 women that work on Bangla Road. 2. Most, if not all of these women do not work on this road by choice. Let's just say that the women in the "closed bars" do not have the same opportunities to get out of their work as the women do in the "open bars" 3. This road had a spiritually dark atmosphere that surrounded it. 4. I was going to be walking up and down this road daily trying to find the most abused women and bring them out of their environment and into a healthy one at the "SHE house" (Self-Help and Empowerment) to take English classes.

Anyway, most people may automatically be turned off after hearing all these things about Bangla Road. I, on the other hand had a strange peace about being on that road and got excited to meet some girls. After all, I'm quite used to the whole "bar scene." At first, I accredited my peace and excitement to the fact that for the past 8 months, I had been working with children...not my strong suit...and now I can FINALLY work with adults. But then, I soon found out that I had peace about being here because I NEEDED to be here. I had something someone was going to need from me...love.

"Tiger" Bar on Soi Tiger

There are around 10 streets that make up what is known as Bangla Road. I can't remember my first encounter with any of the streets specifically except the one that seemed to lure me in by force...Soi Easy. (All the streets begin with "Soi") It was one of the strangest feelings I have ever felt before, and that's saying a lot considering all the strange things I've experienced on the race. It was like every bone within my body wanted to go sprinting down that street looking for ANYONE who would simply just want to talk to me. It was like someone was literally grabbing my body and pulling me in. But I had to keep walking along the road with the rest of the group. Even as I was walking away, I still felt the force drawing me in. Let's just say I turned around to look at the street at least 6 times until I got to the end of the road and could no longer see it.

Soi Easy in the daytime

Let's back up a minute. Before we went for this walk, our contact, Amanda and the founders of SHE, Mark and Sharon, all told us that each road would have a different "feel" to it. Apparently, whatever "feel" Soi Easy had, it was alluring to my spirit.

So, after our walk, Amanda asked us if any of us felt drawn to a specific street. I spoke up and said that I could not walk past Soi Easy again without going down it. She responded by saying we were only allowed to walk down half of the street because the other half was so spiritually dark and corrupt that it would be putting us at risk. It would be too dangerous. I felt instantly defeated. There were only 2 streets that were "off limits" and mine had been stamped at the half way mark. Really?

Ever since that first encounter with Soi Easy, I have not been able to forget that feeling.

This is how empty the bars look in the daytime (Soi Sea Dragon)

• You use the term "Swazi" for the locals or anything local (or even referring to the country itself as "Swazi" instead of Swaziland.
• You have a pet zebra named Hobbs
• Wild monkeys, zebras, impalas, giraffes, wildebeest, warthogs and dogs roam around your backyard
• Marriage proposals are considered to be "good luck" so if you get proposed to at least once a day, consider it a compliment. If you walk past a man and he doesn't at least whistle, he is being rude....just like in Phillly...
• Marriage is a five-step process in which one of the steps is called "hurling insults" at the wife...and that's not even the hardest step.
• It is really common to have more than one wife.
• Swaziland may not even exist anymore by the year 2050 if nothing is done about the people dying from AIDS (this is an estimate)
• Death is seen as a way out for some people.
• Women do not just "get pregnant" they "fall" pregnant...it just happens. It has nothing to do with sex.
• The bigger you are, the wealthier you are.
• Marula is a fruit that is used to make beer.
• The "bot fly" is your number one enemy...look it up.
• Swazi's have no sense of "personal space."
• If you happen to be teaching preschool, teach the children to scream in response to your question or they will never be heard.
• Swazi's will trust you JUST because you are white...they also think you are VERY rich because you are white.
• You call your home, and other homes in your area your "homestead."
• When you shake hands with someone, you understand that holding your wrist is a sign of respect. The farther you place your hand (higher on the wrist, forearm, arm, shoulder and finally chest) shows higher respect.
• Children may be scared of you at first because they aren't used to white people being around but really, they just want to be held and loved. 
• Traditional dress for men and women consist of a colorful wrap material that drapes over their body. I think both men and women carry spears too and have some kind of animal skin on their clothes.

I was sitting in the back of Corine's car looking out the window at a hazy, yet breathtaking Swaziland landscape, allowing my mind to wander to whatever it wanted to for the next 40 minutes. As mountains and "pride rock-esqu" rocks raced by, my mind replayed several past experiences in my life...random weeknights in college at home with my roommates just watching T.V. and talking about nothing or, pulling all-nighters with them so I could get a paper handed in right on time, the summer before I left for the race, coffee dates, good-bye parties, regular parties, sleepovers, movies dates, pretty much everything until my mind flashed forward to the present moment. Here I was, in Swaziland, on my way to a preschool filled with 40 some children waiting to play with me and two cooks who couldn't wait to teach me a thing or two about the way "real Swazi ladies cook." This is my life...for now.

I've had lots of moments like this on the race in which I turn to a teammate and ask the question that poor little drugged up boy coming home from the dentist asks, "Is this real life?" And then get confirmation that yes, yes this is our life. But today was different. Instead of looking at the herd of oxen and cattle crossing the street followed by a Swazi man dressed in all green herding them off the road and laughing at the fact that I've gotten so used to it already. I found myself wondering what I am even doing anymore? Well, I was on my way to a preschool. "Yea but do you realize you've been in Africa for almost three whole months now and all you can think about is home?" I felt my mind rebuttal. So, I turned my thoughts away from home and back to the past couple months in Africa...which was a mistake.

It hit me all at once. I've waited over a year to be here. I've heard the horror stories of orphaned kids who have nowhere to go, the statistic that one out of every three people in Swaziland have AIDS and therefore, if nothing changes, the population will end up dying out in 50 some years, among other startling statistics when looking at them at face value. And I wanted to change it. I guess I had some kind of elaborate dream of rescuing a child from his or her abusive parents or healing someone of AIDS or something ridiculous like that and actually quite impossible. And here I was, appearing to do nothing.

What was I doing? Did the past three months of my life make any difference whatsoever? Did I give up my friends, family, internship, life and even my appearance to simply "see what Africa was all about?" If I'm going to be completely honest, South Africa was like a dream vacation. Mozambique was great but at the end, I feel like more pain was caused than love because of the strong bond we had formed with the boys and then cut off in one day. Now, in Swaziland, I've realized I can't DO anything! I am not going to be able to adopt anyone from here even if I want to because it's closed off to Americans (not that I would even know how to go about that) And I can't just rip a child from his or her home after understanding more about Swazi culture because I know, in the end, it would do way more harm than good. And I STILL can't do ANYTHING about the AIDS.

I think I know the answer to why I am in Swaziland so I guess my question is what am I even doing anymore?